The British Have Douches Too!

Let me preface this by saying that generally while I didn’t think that all Brits were cool, I didn’t think any were Douche Bags—assholes perhaps—but not douches. I was wrong. I will also say that one of the things that pisses me off the most is when people assume that I am uneducated and dismissible.

It’s Tuesday night and my buddy Zach and I decide to take one of our friends, Liz, out to get drunk because she just broke up with her bf over the weekend. Nothing is going on because it is Tuesday so we decide to go to one our spots this “café” in Aix called Sunset.

Now this “café” It is an absolute hole-in-the-wall (you have to knock on the huge black iron door to get in), but it plays really good music and serves10 € Giraffes every night of the week before 20:30 (Fuck military time by the way). A Giraffe is the European pitcher of sorts. It is a vertical cylinder with a tap on the bottom filled with beer, 2.5 liters of beer to be precise. 10 € is an unbelievable price for 2.5 liters of beer.

We sit down and order one. Halfway through we decide to get two more—it is after all almost 10:30 and the deal is ending soon, so we might as well stock up for the rest of the night. We proceeded to get sloshed.

As we are finishing up our third Giraffe a group of British guys and American girls sit down at the table next to us. Now we are feeling pretty friendly at this point so we start talking to them. That is when shit started to hit the fan. (I’m going to add some of the subtext of the conversation)

“Hey do you guys want to make a bet?” Douche McDouchferson asks. This guy is a Brit wearing a polo with the collar up—warning sign number one.

“Well what were you thinking?” the Americans reply.

“How many states does the United States have?” English prick asks.

“50 (you fucking English prick).”

“Actually there are only 46. The other four consider themselves to be commonwealths. (You fucking uneducated American scum, how do you not even know this basic fact I learned in my American Studies class at (insert pretentious English school name))?” fuckhead responds.

“Well we don’t really care if West Virginia has its head so far up it’s own ass that it considers itself to be a ‘commonwealth,’ the rest of the (fucking) country considers it to be a state.”

“I believe you are mistaken (I’m an English douche bag, didn’t you know?).”

“Well the fact is that if they didn’t—at least to some extent—acknowledge their statehood they would not have senators. (duh)”

“Whatever. Fool yourselves all you want there are only 46 states.”

“First of all I’ve never needed to memorize a single fucking fact about England—probably because all you do is eat fish and chips and secondly who the fuck cares about some bullshit trivia you happened to pick up the one day you weren’t drunk during class?” (well yes, obviously I cared, but let me say that I was very, very drunk and getting pretty sick of the smug filling the room)

“Wait where do you go to school?” asks ugly American girl number one.

“USC” I answer.

“Oh, the University of Second Choices and Spoiled Children?” –Now I’ve heard this before and yes, it is funny. There are a few rich kids at SC (but aren’t there some at every school?) and the school probably is several students’ second choice—especially considering what a nightmare college admission has turned into. But, motherfucker, when an American sides with a Douche of a Brit and proceeds to basically call someone spoiled and stupid in the same breath shit ain’t cool.

“Oh… yeah. I’ve heard that. That’s what all the ugly girls say.”

That is when, luckily, I was escorted out of the bar and home to bed.

Cheers.