the first thing i have to do is apologize to denison because 1) i spelled it wrong (but i'm allowed to... i get extra time, asshole) and 2) it turns out i was ill informed and it was not denison kids who threw a couch out my building's window.
the next thing i have to do is say that for the purposes of this, my sister doesn't count. when i say i've never met a girl who has _________, my sister is not included in that statement. she doesn't count. now buckle up and get pumpd, its fuckin story time!
so the other day i was with this girl in her bed. get your mind out of the gutter, we were doing homework. we were chatting it up, talking about fun things such as different types of sandwiches, why barak obama is sexier than god, the man who fucking invented sex, and why rutherford b hayes is the best of the forgetable presidents. it was nice because i was doing homework (albeit slowly) and being social at the same time. its a great way to take the edge off a boring reading or something. i was really enjoying myself. the, all of a sudden, something happened. imagine the first time you reached climax. imagine how awesome that was, and now take the oposite of that. another analogy to keep the suspense going: remember 9/11/01? yeah thats right, i use the whole date. if you dont like it, fuck off. well remember the feeling when you learned what had happened? yeah it was like that. i'm sitting with this girl on her bed, and i experience a coupling of senses. my butt felt a slight rumble, like the aftershock of a scale 3 earthquake (thats not very big for those of you who dont have the richter magnitude scale memorized. like you can feel it, but it causes no damage... no physical damage. emothional damage? yes. read on.) my ears got the brunt of the attack, however, hearing what sounded like a cross between a duck and an african barking frog. i looked around to see who had produced this medly of senses, but there were no other guys in the room. my next though: was it me? no it wasn't. then it hit me... the GIRL had farted. I've lived for 19 years and even a few months and days, and in all my life (i can say this because my sister doesn't count, she's 11) i have NEVER heard a girl fart. i didn't know it was anatomically possible. i had heard tales of it happening, but i just figured it was like yetties and the lochness monster. she actually farted. it actually happens. i laughed nervously, but inside i was burning up with a clusterfuck of emotions. i was scared, helpless, embarassed, and worried about the fate of man kind. what if it smells bad? girls dont smell bad, they smell lovely. should i be a gentleman and say it was me? the astonishing thing is that she made the oh man i'm embarassed face, then laughed and had moved on. this happened days ago and i still havn't moved on. it's not that i'm sexist and don't think girls have the right to fart, its that i didn't know it was possible, and i'm scared of the implications. if girls can fart, it means they can poop. thats a guy thing. some things in this world are meant for men. cooking ribs, enjoying amature porn, and having smelly things come out of your butt. I dont really know how to end this but to say that i've been there. i have seen the yetty that is a she-fart. it's real. it doesn't smell like roses or spring time. it smells like fart. so men, brace yourselves. some day you'll be confronted with this situation. you'll be sitting there, unsuspecting. you'll be in line, or in the car. maybe in class or maybe at your favorite deli. there will be a lady there. she'll fart. its gonna be real wierd. if it happens to you, and you need to talk about it, i'm there for you. good luck.
PS. i know i'm a shithead for comparing a girl farting to the death of thousands of people, but seriously, it was earth shattering.
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2 comments:
I think Darob would like this.
hee hee
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