just to clear things up

I was chatting with a group of girls in my hall recently and the concept of "old lady flirting" came up. the girls had no idea that this existed, and proceded to call me various things like disgusting, pervert, wierdo, etc. because of this barrage of criticism i recieved for flirting with a nice old lady, i decided to make a post for any female readers we might have here at Tales Told by Idiots, just to clear things up. before i begin my explanation, i need to boost up my ethos. i'm a flirt. a huge flirt. i flirt with pretty much everyone i encounter. as far as i'm concerned, if you've got a nice set of big voluptuous x chromosomes, you're fair game for flirtation. there are, however, different levels of flirtation. it's kind of like Dante's Inferno, but instead of a situation where murderers get one level of hell, theifs get another, jews another, it's more like different types of females get different types of flirtation. the most serious flirtation, obviously, occurs when the flirt wants to get with the girl. this would be defined as the "i-am-attempting-to-fuck-you-pretty-soon flirt." if you're hot and of a similar age group as the dude, this is probably what he's doing. you can't, however, assume this to be the case. there are two other posibilities if you fit this description. the next most serious flirt is the "i-like-you-for-who-you-are flirt." this means that the dude is actually interested in you, and wants to get to know you. this type of flirting centers a lot less around compliments, jokes, and attempts to break the touch barrier, and more around questions about interests, etc. the last possibility if you fit the first description is that the guy is just a flirt with his female friends. my friends, for example, get a lot of this last kind. What about people outside the age group? ah yes. if you're within 10 years of the flirting guy, and he knows your name, and you're attractive, there's the "i-wish-i-were-your-age-so-i-could-try-fucking-you flirt." this is what hot teachers get a lot of. it centers a lot around the guy joking (but not really) about how mature and cool he is, so that he seems more on par with the girl in question. the preceding types of flirts all share one thing in common. a degree of sexual tension. even with the friends flirt, it centers around creating a slight degree of sexual tension to get your friend to laugh (as opposed to the first kind of flirting, in which the sexual tension is meant to actually create sex). the next type of flirtation lacks this. it is called "the old lady flirt." although it is not exclusive to old ladies, this is where the bulk of it takes place. every guy wants every girl to like him more than he likes her. this is a fact. the happiest man is the man who is loved by all of woman kind more than he loves them... yes, literally ALL of woman kind... including old ladies. this is the point of the old lady flirt. let me offer you an example. There is a woman on campus who, if i were not a flirt, i would never speak to ever. every tuesday at the dining hall, we have what's called "tortellini tuesdays." this is where you put into a bowl all the things you want in your tortellini, and an old lady cooks it up for you. it's really great. my friend Justin and I, both increadable flirts, spend a long time in line for this. what do we do in line? we flirt with the old lady who makes the tortellini. we do this so that she likes us, because we really like her, so we need her to like us more. it's just how it is. the old lady flirt isn't unique to old ladies, tho. it's the same thing with cashiers, friend's moms, and little girls. all the females that are far enough out of the age group of the dude that it would be inapropriate for him to wanna bang her. this is why guys and sassy ten-year-old girls hit it off so well. we flirt with them, they give us sas, so we think they don't like us, so we have to flirt with them more. it's not creepy i wanna see you naked flirting, it's old lady flirting. So ladies, remember this when you're in your mid to upper 50s and some 18 and 19 year old guys start cracking jokes to make you smile and laugh... they dont want to get in your pants, they just want your love. i hope i've left you all a bit more enlightened (and not creeped out). thanks for listening.