Bong Hits and Interviews

I'm part of a peer counseling service at my school that runs four sessions with freshmen during which we teach them how to do what we all know they're going to do, but safely. It's a pretty good program. We're currently in the process of conducting interviews with people who are applying to be teachers in the program, and, unfortunately, we had to learn the hard way why it's a bad idea to conduct interviews on 4/20. My roommate and I smoked several bowls before heading down to the interviews. When we got there it quickly became apparent that we were not the only interviewers who were baked out of our fucking skulls. Out of a room of about 10 interviewers, I'm pretty sure three were not high as balls. By far the highest was a girl who we'll call Kate. Kate could not look anyone in the eye without bursting out laughing. So we would conduct our interviews as follows: someone sober would ask the first few questions, and then, one by one, we stoners would pull ourselves together long enough to ask a simple one sentence question without dissolving into an incoherent flow of giggles and partial words. Finally, we made it through the first half of our interviews, and were awarded by a half-hour break. So what do a bunch of high kids do with a half hour? Thats right, we went upstairs and took bong hits.

We came back downstairs about 20 minutes later, our eyes about the color of a fine pinot noire, and our mouths all slightly open. This was not our finest hour. The interviews started back up, and it was a shit show. This is what would happen. The interviewee would be talking about how they would approach sexual misconduct coming up in a meeting, and my roommate would start to breathe really loudly and then choke back a laugh of some sort. I would then bury my face in a cup of pepsi to avoid laughing, and inevitably make a funny slurping sound, and Kate would lose her shit, laughing in the face of the poor freshman interviewee. It was a disaster. After about 45 minutes of this, Kate finally had to excuse herself, informing us that this had been her eighth time smoking in the past 6 hours. We finally finished out the interviews, and on the way home I ordered a Papa Johns Wolverine Extreme Extra Large Pizza. It was fucking amazing.

Another Anecdote

Here's another anecdote, again not my story but it's funny and ridiculous regardless.

So this happened a couple weekends ago at my friend's frat (Kappa Sigma if you're reading this Mike). They were having a party. There was a girl there. She was drunk to the point where she couldn't string three words together to make coherent conversation. She hooked up with my friend's roommate and some other dude in the frat. Nothing too out of the ordinary I guess, but here's where it gets messy, literally.

At one point in the party her shoes come off and she steps on broken glass. So this girl is bleeding EVERYWHERE. All over the bathrooms, the floors of the hallways, he even said blood managed to get on the walls and the ceiling. So this girl is going nuts bleeding all over the place. So a couple of the guys grab her take her to a room, prop her foot up, and begin to administer the best quality First Aid they can. They proceed to pour cheap Aristocrat (you may be familiar with the brand) vodka on the wound and wrap it up in duct tape to help stop the bleeding. It stops and she passes out on their futon.

However, in the morning my friend wakes up and sees her sitting on their coffee table with a blank stare. He hears what sounds like water hitting a cup. He notices a putrid odor and realizes that this girl is peeing on his coffee table mistaking it for a toilet. He begins to cuss at her and kick her and she just looks at him with a sort of what-are-you-doing-in-my-stall expression. She walks back to the futon, mutters "hm...quiet night" and passes out again.

WORD.

O'Neill's Top Two Review

Well, here it is. 4/21. A day of reflection, and making up excuses for why I didn't do my homework last night, because I don't want to admit to myself that it was because I was high as a fucking kite. So I didn't do any homework. Big fucking deal. One thing I did do was watch a lot of youtube and eat half a Papa John's Extra Large Wolverine pizza. That's right. Extra large pizza with a full pound of cheese on that mo-fo. Anyway, while lying, pregnant with a pizza baby, in our common room, my friends and I had a mini-marathon of youtube videos. Some of the usual suspects came up, for example, David After Dentist, and some clever responses, such as Darth Vader After Dentist, but there were two (and a half) that stood out in my otherwise cloudy and easily distracted mind. So I'm gonna put my Carson Daly hat on and give you my top two countdown.

Coming in at the number two spot, this next one is fucking hilarious, not for the stupid stunt that sets it off, but because of the reactions of those involved, especially the camera man. You'll know what I'm talking about. Enjoy this one, which I so fondly call, "Rooftop Piledriver."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCza250hwZE

This next one was tough. I was reluctant to put it on here because the ending is stupid and not funny. But the first 2/3 of the video make the lame-ass ending totally worth it. So here it is, folks, Number 1 on O'Neill's Top Two Review: "Dramatic Lemur."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0MaZ1rdwwU

What really does it for me, is the re-mix of this. Short, sweet, and to the point, this second take on Dramatic Lemur is so funny, I'm going to include it as an addition to the number 1 slot. It is also more scientifically accurate, as this animal is not, in fact, a Lemur.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPMaXuDVwSI

Well that concludes O'Neill's Top Two Review. I hope you enjoyed it, and I hope your festivities were as ridiculous as mine. If I get bored later in the week I'll tell you why it's not a good idea to take bong hits between interviewees you are questioning for applications to a student group you run.

Cushman Out.

Harold and Kumar go to JMU

real short anecdote. this just happened to my friend this weekend.

he told me that him and one of his housemates just got out of class and they were both pretty hungover, so they smoked some weed in hopes of cutting that. once high one of them proceeds to express a very certain desire saying, "man...its been so long since I've had my dick sucked."

his friend replies, "you wanna get your dick sucked?"

"yeah" says the first one.

"let's go to JMU"

and just like that they Harold and Kumar it to James Madison University, where women earn unofficial degrees in becoming trophy wives.




...we gotta keep this alive.

dick brothers

Well I'm a little rusty after my year-and-a-half long hiatus, but here goes nothing. I think the first thing I need to do is give a little back story. My best friend and body double, we'll call him Jim, broke up with his girlfriend a few months ago. It was messy, but after a while it was time for him to get back into the game. So he hooked up with this girl. The next morning we're all sitting upstairs in our living room, and we hear Jim come out of his room, come upstairs, and ask if he can borrow my other room mate's car. He's told no, and decides to make a better case as to why it is so necessary. "I need to go to Walmart to buy the morning after pill." Apparently during the course of what was described as "sloppy, yet strangely hot, animalistic sex," the condom got lost. So he got the car, went, and that was that.

Fast forward several weeks. I've been broken up with, and I'm recovering. Spring is in the air, and beer is in my system. We were having a rager. My home girl from... well... home... was visiting to come party with us, and it was all around crazy times. By half way through the night there were about 120 people in our upstairs that, on a crowded night, can accommodate roughly 70. There were literally people sitting on top of my roommates closet. By the end of the night, there was a kid passed out on the couch while the music blasted and me and a girl were bumpin and grindin on the dance floor... alone. My roommates and some friends were smoking downstairs so I went down to say hey. I took a hit, then confessed to my roommate that I thought I would end up making out with this girl. I was right. we went back upstairs and made out for a long time.

Now the thing about this girl is that she's VERY ticklish. So much so that she cannot involve herself in foreplay. She goes right from making out to sex. It blew my fucking mind. So that's what we did. In the living room. Next to the kid passed out on the couch. Then that got weird because there was a sleeping kid, so we moved it down to an equally classless location: the bathroom. I can't say it was my finest moment, but everyone involved had fun. Me and Jim were now officially dick brothers.

This was last weekend. This weekend, last night, we ran into each other again, and, again, she astonished me with how quickly she went right for sex. But I'm a generous guy, and I can't say no if someone wants something that I can provide, so we did our thing. only, when our thing was done, we discovered that whatever we were doing (and Jim's description is pretty accurate) had blown a huge hole in the top of the condom. Uh Oh.

So I went upstairs and had to ask my roommate for his car. He said no. I explained that I needed to go to Walmart to buy some plan B. And he had a pretty good laugh at my (and this girl's) expense. The weirdest part to me is that this girl wouldn't let me pay for it, or even help.

Now that's what I call a rebound worthy of taking place during the NBA Playoffs.

And He's Back...

Well folks, it's been a while. It turns out being the subject of a blog dedicated solely to telling silly stories about one's personal life and the misadventures associated with it, and having a serious girlfriend are like peanut butter and tuna fish; they're just a nasty combo. But here it is: the time of year when shit starts going crazy, and I'm a single man again. So stay tuned because something tells me shit is gonna get funny (for all parties not involved, myself included) pretty quick. In fact, i did some pretty silly things last night. Here's what I'll do. I'll tell you about them later, because I'm hungry for breakfast.