easily the most outrageous thing i've ever seen...

So I'm driving down Ohio Rt. 229, really in bumblefuck rural Ohio, and i pass through one of those shoot-me-in-the-face-if-I-ever-live-here towns, Marengo, OH, to be specific, that are so common in this part of the country, and out the window i see what is literally the most shocking thing i've ever seen. It was a restaurant called (i think) fajidito's. I dont know if i have the name exactly right, but it was some made up word that was supposed to sound like something mexican. It was an older looking building, clearly a tex-mex place, with old wagon wheels on the side, and that kind of thing. Also on the side, however, was a large mural. The mural was a mexican dude wearing a cowboy hat standing, smiling next to an equally happy white cowboy wearing aviators and a cowboy hat. kneeling between these two people was an angry looking asian guy, in old school chinese farmer garb. why, you ask, was he angry? because the 2 cowboys were amusing themselves by extinguishing their cigars on his head. Let me run that buy you again in case it didn't sink in... 2 cowboys, one mexican one white, putting out their cigars on the face of a chinese dude. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY!?!?!?!

Partying With a Murderer

So, second weekend of school this semester, I partied with a murderer.

Saturday night WM plays Old Dominion in basketball. At the time we were on a 6 game winning streak that started with ODU, so we definitely didn't want it to end with ODU. The game was at 7, naturally we started drinking at 6. Pregamed, punished a 40 and some whiskey, went to the game, went nuts, trash talked the other team, WM lost, what else is new...

It was pretty sad after the game because it was pretty close, so me and my friends who i pregamed with decided to drink our sorrows away. So that was fine, we chilled, punished more beer, 40s, and whiskey, when my roommate rolls into the room inviting us to go with him to his frat brother's apartment off-campus. Last time i was there it was pretty chill so I was excited.

So after getting our shit together and arranging rides we get there and theres pong going already in the front, hookah in the living room, various bottles of beer and absinthe in the kitchen. I was already pretty hammered by the time I got there so I signed up for pong, took a seat, and took it easy.

So i get up for pong and about 2/3 into the game someone comes in from outside and says to the host "yo, your neighbor wants to talk to you." Just before the door closes i catch a glimpse of a short, stocky black man smiling back at me. I gave it no thought and continued my game. It was falling to shit, it was past the re-rack and there were only like two cups left and it was just getting tedious. My partner was so drunk she had to lean against a wall for support and I knew that this shit had to finish up quickly.

So evreyone got wasted. Well somehow in the drunken haze, the black neighbor of the host of the party was at the party! His name was Tony and he was fuckin creepy from the start. He tried his best to understand the game of pong but ended up just throwing the balls into his own cups so he could drink. He made all the girls uncomfortable with the way he'd touch their stomachs and engage in conversations with them about pregnancy all while calling them sexy. He brought us a pizza he made that was practically bread with melted american cheese on top. He poured out libations on the table to his friends who are in prison or have died. He told everyone in the party that they had to refer to my roommate as "original" and anyone who didn't would get a bullet in their head. He mocked one of my friends saying "whats up dude" in the best surfer vernacular he could muster. Once my friends started smoking weed, he asked "where the weed at?," smoked their bowl with them, and referred to weed as "gold" after that.

Did I mention his tattoos? You know that saying used to describe situations where everyone in the room is aware of an uncomfortable topic that should be addressed but no one wants to speak up and say anything about? The one about the awkward elephant in the room? Well the elephant in this room was the size of a teardrop...the teardrop tattooed under Tony's eye. That scared everyone shitless. We all knew what it meant and the whole time he was around people were whispering shit into each other's ears like "yo...if shit hits the fan, im running out the back and taking you with me."

Well, we were all weirded out by him and we bounced like Tigger. I got back to the dorm, threw up, and went to sleep.

read this after you read my last post...

i forgot to say....
just a tidbit of info...
in ohio, the state in which i went streaking, if you get arrested for streaking, you have to register as a sex offender and go door to door and tell all the neighbors you're dangerous. thank god i didn't get arrested.
one love

BLACKOUT! (how to piss off your girlfriend)

It's saturday around 8. I'm racing to the mainstage theater on campus to catch "Blood: of Brothers and Sisters," an experimental ensemble performance piece in disguise as a play. needless to say it didn't make a lot of sense. anyway, it was closing night, so after I left the show, and after stopping briefly at my friend's appartment for a beer or 4 and some laughs, i went to the after party. It was the first party I've ever attended with a professor, which was cool, because the professor was drinking out of a handle of grey goose, and I was drinking shitty beer and shitty whiskey. after a few beers and a few shots, i started feeling sick because i had had way too much to drink in only about an hour. Pop quiz: what's the best thing to do if you're drunk and you feel sick? a) lie down and/or call it a night, b) eat bread or something else starchy, c) boot, get it over with, and continue drinking. thats right... c. so i booted and grabbed a couple key lights to wash the taste of the shitty dinner i had eaten several hours earlier out of my mouth. after a couple hours we decided it was time to pay our good friends, the brothers of Delta Kappa Epsilon, a visit, so we headed up to their area. we got there and it was good times all around. we continued to drink and everything, we rocked out to some salsa music and some classic rock and maybe a little snoop dogg. then it hit. the blackout. now, counter-intuitively, it was not me who blacked out. it was the building we were in. the power was gone, and never have I seen all hell break loose as quickly as it did then. within 2 minute of the power outage, there was a naked french 20 year old encouraging, will ferrel style, everyone to join him in streaking. the masses responded well, and people got naked. everyone headed downstairs to watch the streakers go, and my friend justin and I decided that it looked like fun, so we went and hid our clothes in a corner, and ran outside. after a lap of the building and much shaking of our genitals in the direction of innocent bystanders, we went back to get dressed but UH OH!!! no clothes. they were stolen except our shoes and socks. so we went around looking for them in the building. we found his boxers, then the rest of his clothes, then my shirt and coat, which i put on. so here I am, naked from the waste to the feet, walking drunk around a dorm in the pitch dark, looking for my pants. so i'm walking down the hall, and I see a door open. in the door is a girl who was looking confused. she was confused because she had come into her room to find a pair of boxer and a pair of pants that were not hers or anyones that she knew of. Then she looked up and saw me, a man with no pants and no boxers. it was hard to explain myself to her and harder to explain myself to my girlfriend.

coming soon...

hey everyone, sorry i've been such a flake lately when it comes to the blog, but i promise i've got some shit coming at you tonight. tune back in and find out why almost every graduate of my college is technically a sex offender, learn the multiple meanings of blackout, and learn how not to please your girlfriend.

It's Been Awhile...

My shit's been busy this semester. I'm only three weeks in and I've already landed a job at the library, found a recording studio on campus, and gotten entirely too fucked up while partying with a murderer (expect a blog post about this soon) all while contemplatinng the various ironies of college life. But now I'm here to tell you about my latest accomplishment: today, I made a bong out of bamboo.

It started earlier in the week. It was a sunny day, around noon. I had just gotten out of class and I was sitting on the porch drinking my last beer and talking to my girlfriend. The clumsy dumbass that I am I managed to drop my phone mid-conversation off the side of the porch. Luckily, I was on the first floor so I just hopped the rail and landed in a patch of Ivy under a tree. Lying in the Ivy under the tree were three dead bamboo branches of varying sizes. I picked them up and put them on the porch, and after I finished talking to her I brought them inside.

My roommate was asleep when I went in the room, so i repeatedly poked him gently in the side until he woke up.

"What the fuck is this?" he said.
"Fuckin' bamboo," I replied.

My intentions were to cut each of the sections and make bongs out of them so me and my friends would each have bamboo bongs. Well I toyed with the idea with some of the guys on the hall.

Yesterday is when we seroiusly got to work on manual labor of the production of the bong. We got a pocket knife saw and cut some of the branches down to appropriate sizes. So we found a good sized branch and cut through one of the barriers separating the sections of it. After some debate, we decided that we'd take the bowl and stem from an old piece of mine ("Woody" if anyone was familiar). The piece could be unscrewed and disassembled into various parts and we assembled it into a straight piece (this may confuse people becuase the structural properties of this bowl are similar to Optimus Prime, but we didn't use Optimus). So with a screwdriver and a knife we put a hole in the side inserted the piece (to which we modified by adding a stem from a mechanical pencil to make it longer) turned it at an angle and sealed it with poster gum. A little higher up and 90 degrees away from the bowl we put a smaller hole for the shotgun. Cool stuff huh?

I think we're gonna christen it tonight. I feel pretty innovative.

Any ideas for names?