“Hey mime, you suck!”

So there are a few street performers here in Aix-en-Provence, most of them are just gypsies but some are real people.

There is one in particular, whom I should tell y’all about before getting to the story. This guy is a bit of a local celebrity. He is the laziest street ‘performer’ ever. EVER.

In my first week here I saw this guy preparing for a day of performing and was pretty excited. He had donned the traditional street performer garb, everything about him was white—he had on a white sheet outfit, painted his face white, etc. I assumed he was one of those robot guys who get you to shake their hands, capture you and only let go when you give them more money, but I never saw him actually do anything.

I have STILL never seen him actually do anything. I have seen him sitting on his box, dressed all in white for the entire day and not do a thing, except maybe have a cigarette or sometimes yell at people as they past, berating them for not giving him their money. What. The. Fuck? I’m fine with people doing what they want, but just because some hobo puts on a pillowcase does not mean I should have to give him some change. Wearing white is not a skill.

In fact, I feel like I’m more likely to give money to a regular looking beggar. Usually when you pass a poor person you feel sympathy or even pity, but with this guy I’m just really confused.

Well now that I’ve set the stage of Aix being the strangest street performer city in the world I can tell you my story.

The other day I was procrastinating by strolling around the city. I was enjoying a pleasant walk when I got a call from my buddy Zach.
“Hey man where are you?”
“Over by the Cathedral, why?”
“Good, get down to the Hotel de Ville right now.”
“What?”
“Now.”
“Okay,” I began to jog, “What’s up?”
“A Clown and a Mime are fighting.”

I began to sprint.

On my way Zach filled me in on what had been happening. Apparently a clown and mime had set up on opposite sides of one of the main squares and were competing for attention of the passersby. As the day progressed the competition had begun to become more and more heated. That was when Zach stumbled upon the scene.

He was just in time to see the mime trap the clown in a box and boy was the clown pissed. For the next several minutes the clown and mime continued their theatrical skirmish much to the amusement of the huge crowd that had gathered but then things took a turn for the worse.

Luckily that was the exact moment I ran into the square. The clown and mime were in the middle of what can only be described as a sarcastic dance-off when the clown suddenly squirted the mime in the face with his flower.

The mime jerked backward rubbing his eyes, his face makeup running down his chin. After a moment of indignation the mime yelled some French obscenity, strode forward and ripped the clown’s red nose off his face. That is when the clown kicked the mime with his outrageously large shoe. The mime went down hard. As he was falling his hand shot forward and grabbed the clown’s collar tearing it off the rest of his clown suit.

I have never seen a clown so angry; a very French, pissed of clown, complete with ridiculously thin moustache. The angry clown then signaled over to the other end of the square and the whole crowd turned in time to see about eight other clowns pile out of this really tiny European car. They bolted across the square and begin beating the shit out of the fallen mime.

Much to my dismay, the goofy European police siren began in the distance. As soon as they heard that, the clowns all dropped their improvised weapons and bolted back into the car skidding down the street.

The entire crowd was completely silent.

Don’t you guys wish you were in France?